Hands clammy

Sweaty

Taking one breath in

Slowly

Another out

One

Two...

Three..

In again

Calming?

Heart racing

Just contemplating

I want to disappear

Why can't I disappear?

Stop looking!

Close my eyes

One breath

Counting

Slowly

Open my eyes

Nothing changed

In the spotlight

On the radar

No moment of peace

Scanning the crowd

I want to blend in

Yet..

Always failed attempts to camouflage..

In the crowd..

Heart thudding

So loudly

Can they hear it?

I can hear it..

So loud like someone blasting speakers in my ear...

Swallowing my own saliva filling in my mouth,

Before I choke

I can't choke

Mustn't drown

Praying to God

No one approaches

Wishful thinking

I suppose

Yet as I sit down away from everyone

Put my headphones in

It is calming

My nerves

Relaxing

Trying to block it out

Prying

Stabbing

Unspoken words

Yet I hear it

Not by words

Their behavior

Glares

Body language

They do not have to say it

Feel eyes on me

Stabbing

Tell myself don't look up

Do not engage

Just pretend

It is all in my head

I look up

Automatically

Impulse

Silence

Flash of a quick smile

Just to be polite

Yet my mistake

Once again

Here they come again

Like I invited them over

No way to escape now

As they come closer

"Hello"

They say with politeness?

Sit down closer

Forcing myself to say "Hi"

Flash a quick smile

Silence

So much silence

Suffocating

As I will myself

A topic

Any topic?

Looking at their attire

Anything?

"Lovely weather today don't you think?"

I say

As I meet eye contact

not really long..

just turn and look out the window

It is pouring

Hoping they leave?

Find me boring

Please leave

Yet

No

They find it interesting

Something calling them to me

Am I that entertaining?

Magnetic?

I Sigh inwardly

This is my fate

God made our paths meant to cross

For what?

Yet...

Uncertain for sure

Not yet...

Known

So blindly

I accept it

Time will tell

"Sorry I am bad with names but, good with faces... what is your name?"