Foreword

Before I start anything, I would like to speak to you man to man, man to woman, human to human, but most importantly parent to parent. The single greatest decision I’ve ever made in a life overflowing with horrible decision was standing by my son Toby’s mother. The pregnancy only left a 33% chance of me being the father, but I stuck with it and it paid off. You are your children's future.

This story is a work of fiction, but the bones of it are real. The emotions, the heartbreak, the fatherhood, the chaos, the guilt, the love, and the shit I had to crawl through to get where I’m at, all of that is mine.

I did not write this in order to make myself look good. I wrote it because sometimes the only way to make sense of life is to lay it all out and see what survives. I have screwed up more times than I care to admit, but I have also fought like hell to do right by my children. This book is not about perfection. It is about presence, even when it hurts.

Most names have been changed. Some things have been exaggerated. Some are toned down. And some…some are so accurate that they damn near ripped out my soul just writing them.

You will meet versions of people I have loved, lost, and failed. You will also meet versions of the man I used to be, and the one I am still trying to become. Do not read this with the expectations of finding a fairy tale. Read it expecting to find the truth, dressed up as a story because that is all I know how to give you.

If you have ever fought for your kids, lost yourself in love, gotten high to get through the pain, or laid in bed at night wondering if you are worth a damn, then there is something in here for you.

Thank you for giving it a shot. This is for the broken ones still trying to build something that lasts.

Anton Mathias Heft

Preface

This story blends fiction and non-fiction using actual memories shared by my son Toby and me. Before each chapter, you’ll find a memory from our lives; most of which are true, written as accurately as I can recall them. However, some memories and timelines have been fictionalized or altered for narrative flow and privacy protection. The real memories are woven throughout the story and intertwined with the main story line. Though this story dives into some heavy moments, rest assured: Toby was never in danger of losing his life.

Toby and I have been through hell and back; failed relationships, poor choices, betrayal, you name it. Our father-son has been tested time and time again. The epigraph is a story that Toby had written for his fourth grade year book, which made first page.

Fast forward a few years, and he has come to realize that I am human, stating “Dad, I remember when I used to look up to you like you were some sort of God.” That one sentence blindsided me in ways I never thought possible. No father is prepared for their children’s inevitable recognition of their mortality.

Two of the main characters that you’ll meet, Christina and Jack, are no longer part of our lives. However, those are stories for another book. Christina, my ex, was with me at the onset of this book and still remains part of the story in order to maintain authenticity. Jack, my brother from another mother, passed away many years ago and is still missed dearly, to this day. Using his name is my way of honoring him.

All characters are based on people I personally know, but their names have all been changed to maintain anonymity and privacy. Using people I know in real life for the fictional portion helps me to keep my thoughts grounded and the story as realistic as possible, at least for myself.

When I began writing this, I was a full-time single father with very little help. I ran a remodeling/handyman business on my own while simultaneously attending college for business management at the age of 40. To top things off, I also worked part-time as maintenance/housekeeping for a motel. Saying I was stressed doesn’t even cover it. I started by writing out some of the memories I shared with Toby as a coping mechanism. Christina found some of those memories written out and suggested I try putting them together for a story. The more I wrote, the more therapeutic it got.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed living the moments that made it worth writing, as chaotic as it was.

Epigraph

“Dad and I playing in the front yard.

Have you ever felt like you were going to get hit with a high speeding ball? It was my tenth time playing football. My dad and I play football a lot. I beat my dad at football. Ramiro played, too. The football was rough. I got hit on the cheek. If you were there you would have seen me trip on a rock. I heard set……hike! Playing football with my dad was the best day of my life.”

By Toby Mathias Heft