Daddy Syndrome

His name is Axel. Or as he used to say it when he was a toddler, "My name is Axel, Axel James-Titus Parent. He sure is a firecracker let me tell you and he made sure the world was going to know it too, just as soon as he sent Mommy into labor six weeks early in the late night hours of July 3rd into the wee morning hours of July 4th when I welcomed my feisty, hollering, premature, but blessed and healthy little boy, Axel into the world as the night sky lit up with fireworks in that long, rough, and stressful year of 2017. Now aside from fear itself I had nothing to fear, but fear itself as the nurse handed my five pound, seven ounce, fragile infant son to me. He was perfect with his beautiful tanned complexion, dark brown head full of hair, and those beautiful melt my mommy brown eyes as he softly nestled into my chest and looked up at me for the very first time. From that moment forward I knew I wasn't going to be strong enough to sign those completed guardianship papers on the bedside table next to me and I learned what Daddy Syndrome was... Oh, oh, oh.... but wait I am rather sure all you readers are rather confused right about now aren't you? So let's rewind backwards about eight months into that horrible, dreaded year 2017 was for me.

~~~ October 2016 ~~~

As I roll over in the queen sized bed I don't remember climbing into and feel a harsh hiss of wind chill come through the cracked window I suddenly realize something is missing, it is far too nippy in this room for my nine month old daughter to still be napping on her boppy pillow next to me at four pm right before her evening bottle. 'What in the world' I begin to think right as the panic begins to set in!!!! I am immediately out from under the covers in my bare feet, stumbling into the long hallway that leads into the living room.

"Andy!! Where is..." I holler in panic right as my feet hit the padded carpet floor of the living room and a three quarters of the way finished eight ounce bottle rolls into my left foot and my blue-eyed curly headed blonde infant daughter looks up at me with a mischievous giggle as she crawls towards me after it. "Jayleigh is right here, she just tossed her almost eaten bottle your way." (my at the time current boyfriend Andy responds) "Are you feeling any better, and has your fever broke?" He finishes as he walks over scoops Jayleigh up and hands her to me, then places his wrist against my forehead in effort to check.

"Yeah, I think so," is the only response I can give him as I stare at him blankly. "Well I am glad," he responds, "you haven't thrown up anymore in the last two hours either, did you get enough sleep?"

"Sure did." I respond as I walk away and begin to give Jayleigh my undivided attention. As I walk away shaking my head I can't help think to myself that I have no recollection of earlier that morning at all.

~~ Two Weeks Later ~~

'How is this even possible?' 'How, what, why, & when??' That is all that was going through my head over and over again. I always make him use protection so how is it that I am pregnant?? False positive?? It has to be! That's all I could get through my head, and then I jump as he walks in the door behind me....

"Jane, are you...." (He stops) and I already know he sees the test on the corner of the bathroom sink... "Andy, please f***** explain that to me!" I immediately scream, "especially, since you wanna sneak up on someone from behind while they are in the bathroom." He just stops and stares at me blankly as hot stinging tears start to stream down my face....

{Fast Forwarding}

"I didn't just want a baby, Jane I wanted a family!" "I don't care Andy, I've been telling you for months and months and months now I do not want to be with you and I never will again!!" "After everything you've done to me and the tricks and the drinking and the cocaine and all the games I am DONE!" "I want you to stay away from me and my son, go back to Illinois and stay there, if you do that I might think about sending you pictures every year on his birthday and allowing you to come down on holidays to spend time with him, but we WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN ANDY!" "YOU are a freaking psychopath!" " You can't force me to be with you just because you forced me to get pregnant!"

§ Present Day §

Alrite, now let's come back to reality. My son Axel is now six years old. He is the absolute kindest & gentlest soul I have ever had the pleasure of having in my life. I am honored to be his mother, he is my sweetest, most caring child. He does have his flaws, and trust me a flaring temper to match those fireworks he came with, but that child out of all four of them will be the one taking care of me when I am old and gray and can't even take care of myself anymore.

I am sure by reading this and by now, my readers are able to factor in that, yes my son Axel is a child of rape. I used to not be able to say it that way I always used to say product...however he is a kind gentle soul and he brings a light to this world I have never seen before. Now, he has no idea what kind of person his genes link him to, as far as he knows my daughter's biological father is his daddy... When I got pregnant with him I faced some very grave dark storms and fought them all alone. I spent most of those seven and a half months pregnant with him on the run from his father. I lived homeless, in fear and never felt safe enough to stay out for more than a week in one place. I also had to give up custody of my daughter Jayleigh during the process in order to stay on the move and hidden from him. I had no bond with my son the entire pregnancy, I couldn't tell you the first time I felt him kick or anything, I can tell you I hated myself and my body for what I felt like was such a huge betrayal, but I am writing this today so that if any of you scared, lonely, women out there in the world are going through dark times like this there is always a way out there is hope for you, please don't give up on yourself because some brutal monster took something that did not belong to him. There is always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you just have to hold on and believe in yourself, weather the storm, I promise it is worth it in the end...