“Customer Service, this is Bill, how may I help you?”

"Yeah, I ordered a character with a messed up childhood, and I'm not satisfied." 

"I'm sorry to hear that, sir. If your character is too well-adjusted, we could have our Freak Squad take a look at him or her..." 

"No, that's not what I meant--this character--damn--I wanted some Hurt/Comfort, but way too much fucked up shit has happened to this guy!"

“I am very sorry to hear that, sir, but retrofitting like that is simply not something our company at Plots Corpdoes. You’ll be much happier taking your Character for some after-market work at Fluff Inc. May I transfer you to them now?”

“I guess if that’s my best option, then fine.”

“And, sir, if I may make a suggestion? So that Fluff Inc knows what you’re after, you might try “difficult” instead of “messed up” when placing your childhood order. Thank you, please hold the line…”

*****

“Hello this is Fluff Inc, where your teeth may rot but your stories never will! My name is Keiko. How may I help you today?”

“Yeah, I’m Ed. I got a fucked up character.”

“Oh, I see! Sorry to hear that, Ed. May I suggest one of our specialist departments? I could get you over to someone in Soulmates for a ‘Love Heals’ story arc, or Found Family is always so popular for that–but if you really need a total reboot I can recommend our FixIt Fic hotline.”

Keiko felt a tap on her shoulder and looked up to see her coworker Abdul who was just coming back from break. He whispered, “Another fucked up?”

She covered the mouthpiece of her phone and nodded. “Another one. Came in on the aftermarket number so it’s not one of our Originals.”

Brenda from Porn With Plot was passing by and overheard them. “What the hell are they doing over at Plots Corp these days? Some of these cases are brutal.”

“Are you still there?” Ed’s voice resonated from the headset in Keiko’s hand.

“Oh, I beg your pardon, Ed, yes, I’m here,” Keiko said, shrugging at Brenda and Abdul. As she resumed her call, she heard Brenda whisper to him, “I had a guy the other day who couldn’t figure out why his main character kept safewording in a scene. Turns out Plots gave him claustrophobia from being locked in the closet as a child and then happily released him in a sub role with no trigger warnings!”

Abdul was horrified. “That’s just irresponsible.”

Meanwhile, Ed was growing insistent. “I just want the fastest, most effective route.”

Keiko studied the profile he had uploaded to her tablet, and accessed the Guilty Conscience panel. Nothing. She tried Commitment Issues next, then Addiction. Still nothing. That narrowed it down a great deal. Feeling confident now, she brought up Unresolved Trauma.

“Bingo,” she said. 

“Bingo?” Ed asked, puzzled.

“I’ve located the problem.” She grabbed her stylus and sketched out a quick spider diagram. “Are you sure you want fastest and most effective? Just so you are aware, that may involve an upcharge and perhaps memory loss by your MC.”

“And don’t forget, there can be severe aftereffects later if your character experiences a triggering event,” Abdul piped up from behind her. Keiko opened her mouth to pass that along but apparently Ed had heard him.

“I’m sure. I need this character ready to go as soon as possible! The idea train hasn’t exactly been kind lately. I can’t miss it when it decides to show up!”

“Understood. I’m going to conference in someone from Time Travel. We will drone drop a “childhood best friend’ and a “deus ex machina by a trusted adult” at appropriate points in your character’s development. That should get them out of the headspace they’re currently stuck in. I’m still going to note your file, though, because a healthy dose of Found Family or Voyage of Self Discovery is strongly recommended in these cases.”

“Noted,” Ed said.

“And please update the character profile with any applicable trigger warnings so that when our Butterfly Effect department runs the simulation to approve the Time Travel fix, they don’t overlook any complicating variables.”

“I’ll do that right now. How long will this all take?”

Keiko checked her phone. The green light was on, indicating Time Travel had an operator available. “I’m conferencing them in right now, and assuming all goes well, you should be ready to write in around 45 minutes,” she estimated.

“Fantastic!” Ed enthused. “When we’re done here, do you have a supervisor I can talk to about your superior help today?”

Keiko felt herself blushing. “That’s very kind of you, Ed, now I’m still on the line but let me welcome Cynthia to the conversation…”

*****

Keiko and Abdul were exhausted at the end of their shift. Keiko just put her head down on the desk and contemplated going to sleep right there. Abdul pulled out a few sticks of gum. He’d recently quit smoking and the second he was finished with the phones he would start chewing.

“Guys! Guys! Guys!” Keiko heard Brenda’s voice. Reluctantly she sat up. The other woman was hurrying over.

“You guys will never believe what’s been going on over at Plots Corp! Their new VP of Character Development came from Angst and Self-Loathing. Before that she was over SickFics-”

“Oh my God–no wonder!” Keiko couldn’t believe it. 

“Yep, classic Hurt Without Comfort/Whump Is My Life type! And she’s overseeing all their new main characters!”

Abdul groaned. “Wonderful. Plots is now the Angst No Comfort Bureau. And you know who is going to get all the fallout from this, right?”

Keiko nodded. “They’d better get it together or we’re going to be spending all our work hours trying to bring everybody’s Dead Doves back to life.”

“I need a vacation,” Abdul muttered. He looked hopefully over at Brenda. “Do you think they might need someone in Pillow Fights or Cuddle Piles for a few weeks?”

Brenda snorted. “Not a chance, man.” She bit her lip and thought it over. “You know, though, they were wanting someone to shadow an exec over in Slice of Life next quarter. Want me to talk to somebody for you?

Abdul snapped his gum. “Yes please. I’ll go back to smoking if I have to play MC therapist all day every day.”

Brenda turned to Keiko. “How about you?”

Keiko smiled, remembering Ed and his character. “Nah, I’m good,” she said. “I love what I do.”