I swear it's not real. For so long I was trying to push it down. I just blamed it on something else and my stomach would turn when I heard her name without thinking why I felt like it. I never thought of why her gaze and her smile made me angry. I didn't think of why her laugh burned a fire in my heart hotter than the burning sun that sizzled my scalp as we walked. I hadn't caught myself staring at the back of her head and wondering why my eyes landed on her. I never looked her in the eyes, and when I did, I was lost in them and dazed. They were all I could think about, but yet I can't remember what colour they are. I wasn't looking at her eyes, 1 was barging in and looking at her soul.

And I hated that. I hate how at night I'll lay in my bed and when I think of her, I feel this emptiness in my heart re-open its gates to hell. I hate how according to my body, she gives me the same amount of pain as thinking of my family. I hated realizing how much I hid how I felt. I hate having to dodge thinking about her, because of how much it hurts.