Loukas commented:

"I feel like the main draw-back from your writing is the lack of diverse punctuation. Normally, when writing, one can gain a lot of power from the use of things like semi colons and the like. On top it all, this reads almost more akin to a high-school essay. You could make this a lot better by adding more descriptions and showing a little bit more. A lot of people say to show not tell, but doing both is more powerful. All in all, I think this has potential, but your just lacking in some of the more predominant skills that come with experience and testing. Keep it up, I look forward to seeing where you go."