This morning I woke up to a message from a “fellow” as we call one other in a 12-step program I’m in. The message was a picture of the sun rising through some trees, the leaves looked like they were beginning to change colors, it was beautiful. The message attached was simply, “Good morning. Happy Friday.” A nice message to start the day. The fellow and I exchanged a few messages congratulating one another on our day counts.

In an instant though, my mind did what it does, and I was suddenly in a complete pit of despair.

Sitting there in my living room I began to think, I am nothing, I am going nowhere, doing nothing, I am not worthy of my kids, they deserve more, they deserve better, my being here is just holding them back. I started to write a letter to them. I wrote and I cried, I told them how I loved them and how I did the only thing I could do to finally do the best thing I could, for them. I explained how much I loved them and how I just couldn’t do it anymore, how they deserved better… better than this, better than me and how it was never their fault. I wrote how I just couldn’t cut it, how I couldn’t fight the fight in my head and my heart anymore, explained how my still being here was more selfish than my death and how this was the best I could do to not hold them back anymore. I cried and wrote, cried and wrote…

Then the doorbell rang.

I’d texted a friend earlier that the package she had sent to my house could be picked up so I knew who it was. I grabbed the package and opened the door, we sat here on the patio talking a little. She mentioned her boyfriend, whom I’m also friends with, was in the car down the street so she and I walked over so I could say hi. Sitting in her car I glanced over and mentioned her pretty “vase” (turns out it was a bong, lol) she apologized for having it out and said, “she’s still sober.” I added on, “yup, 61 days. I got 21 fucked up and now I’m on day 61.” her boyfriend’s response was, “Wow. that makes me want to cry, a good cry I’m proud of you.” 

We spoke a little longer and I excused myself for one of my meetings. He walked to my house with me and when we got there he paused and said, “Hey so, I know you’re not about this but, I just want you to know I’m really proud of you. I mean, you're an inspiration to the rest of us.” That hit me hard. We hugged and as he walked back down the street he said, “aye you’re a real AI- an inspiration!”

That interaction may have saved my life. I’m not saying I would have done anything, but I cannot honestly say that I wouldn’t have either. I was feeling like I was nobody and I was reminded that I am nobody’s, nobody! I am somebody and today, I was an inspiration to somebody who was an inspiration to me!. So, I will take another 24. My ‘nother 24 hours sober and my ‘nother 24 here… alive.

-Q.O.A.T.L.