Restart of the Beginning (again)

My good friends, this is a start of a new beginning.

That's what they always say right. When you've had enough of the same ole, same ole. When you're ready to make a change. I've been ready so often. I've tried so often. And I feel like I've failed quite often. I make a new goal to follow a new dream (or an old one) and then life continuously kicks me back down. I'm stuck in a loop.

"I want to do this thing! I want to try to achieve this dream that has been clawing at my mind!" NOOO, car breaks down, all bills are due immediately, oh yeah, and your kids birthday is next week.

Or, your job needs you to work overtime, now you have no time to try anything extra. Then I forget about it for a while and my heart sinks when I remember again.

I've been doing this for years. Every now and then I feel like I make a bit of progress here and there but with no reward or gains. So I am now, yet again, starting over. I have learned so much about myself. I know what I want. I know what I crave. I have reached a mental rock bottom. I see so many people living their dreams at my age and any age really. I crave that. I see how happy they are and that makes me happy, it ignites something inside of me that says, "You need to move! You CAN do it to." I just have to figure out how.

So I've reached my F*ck it era, I guess. I've decided what ever thought, idea, creation and such that comes in my mind, I will just do it (I mean only the good, productive ideas of course). I will push aside my fears, the words of others, and my low self esteem and I will just do it. If it works, it works. If it doesn't I can try something new and I know that wasn't the path meant for me. The reason I'm stating all of this here is because this is one of my new ideas. A public journal of sorts, I suppose. I've thought about TikTok, but my autism and awkwardness makes for bad videos.

I'm not so great at socializing in the wild, due to the whole awkwardness and me being an absolute wierdo. But I do embrace my weirdness and have come to a realization that maybe getting this chaotic clutter in my mind out some way, and trying to branch out will help me reach some of my goals and keep me on track. Who knows maybe I'll make some friends or connect with others who share some familiarities with any of what I have to say. I do know their are trolls an horrible people in the world as well. I have gotten pretty good at ignoring them. So I will write on here. I will share my thoughts. Some of my beliefs. As well as other random bits here and there. This is just my warning post, I suppose. My mind is chaos so expect this any other stream I create to probably be the same.

But for now, have a fantastical day.