I am awake with a craving for the taste that still lingers on my tongue. Knowing what you want while dating is hard. Knowing what to look for, knowing what to avoid, all while trying to experience everything you can because you are young. And while every time I have no idea of what I want, I know I'd like an authoritative figure. 

"Make sure to eat your lunch", "Make sure to brush your teeth", "Hey, watch that mouth." All seems like heaven to me because it's the hardest thing to turn off your brain as someone forced to be independent. 

Sometimes submission alleviates the burden and carries the fruit of my soul but no one understands how to harvest it. I've dated semi-dominant men who always reveal in the end how truly submissive they are. And while I'm not against a mix up every now and again, dating someone whose sexual compatibility flags an error in mine makes me feel incomplete. Simple ushered words of, "Yes Mommy" seem sweet if followed by a "Good Girl". Without the aftertaste of something that resembles a man to me, I am nothing. I feel nothing and I am not attracted, it's like they're trying to flip a switch that burnt out years before. But, they keep me in loops. A "Good Girl" here and "Do it for me?" there, but their unmistaken, inability-to-be-ignored soft pleads for an authoritative figure of their own do not fall unheard on my ears. I fall for submissive men because they're kinder than the dominant, they're sweeter, more palpable, I could roll my fingers across the dough of their soft skin like memory foam and it will bounce back to me. But the need to hear, anything, even a "That's it, you got it.." leaves me falling to the feet of someone already lost. Two lost souls searching for one in eachother but our fates just don't feel right. And so, my tongue lingers for a taste of what could be, but never will.