Hey so its been a while since I've felt like myself. Recently it feels like I've been walking on a tightrope on every step I take. Crying does little to no use for me anymore. I still do it, and usually it helps me feel better afterwards. But I couldn't. More like I couldn't let myself cry. I mean seriously who am I to keep asking ‘why me?’ over and over again. I think I'm slowly losing myself. Which is crazy because I am literally me how the fuck do I lose who I am? But I think I'm already there. And literally it feels like everything and everyone is against me and that makes me sound so annoying but I wish I was lying. I thought my friends didn't want to be near me anymore. Or that we were never truly friends in their eyes anyway, which is why when I started being distant (due to drowning in my own ocean of sorrow on the low), they just stopped caring anyway. I think I know now. I don't think I was ever a great friend or potential best friend in any of their eyes. I'm a good friend. An okay friend. I fit in with the group if there are at least 5 other people but the moment they break up into their own little pairs and stuff I'm just there. Floating.

There's no reason to talk to me or find excitement when trying to include me in anything. Out of 10 great options of people they could hang out with, I'm #10. I have nothing against any of them. I love my friends, but that's why it hurts so much. I know they don't cherish the moments we laugh together, even days later as much as I do. Am I the problem? I fucking hope I am. I hope my sadness has gotten so bad that its blinded me with a dark black veil and what I think is the truth is just a twisted image my mind decided to paint to make me lose my fucking shit. I've only told two people that I'm hurting, how I feel. Carter and Jamine. They are both really important to me, and in my eyes I would treat them like my best friends! I know that can't happen though, realistically. Both Carter and Jamine already have their own best friends and I'm pretty sure that Jamine has multiple. I think that's why I kind of just stopped when Jamine jokingly turned to me and said “You know Danny you're literally my bestie.” I know that, for Jamine, it would take much longer, more talking, more hanging out for me to reach that status for her. But somewhere really deep in my heart, she's already there.

My head hurts. I need to buy ear buds that don't hurt my ears so I can listen to music even if I have a headache. Man, I just love music so much. I love all my friends just the same. I think I need to accept it honestly, how my friends feel about me. I'm not as close as before to them, even though I want to be its really clear they don't think the same. Like, we're okay friends. Not good friends. Just okay. A little above acquaintances. It just hurts to let them go because they were there for me while I was removing myself from my ex-friend group. Made me realize how bad they were treating me and that I wasn't crazy for my back handed feelings towards them because they were backhanded to.

Those were really tough times. And I'm still getting used to the transition between my old friends and my new ones, that plus the indescribable sadness that's taking over me recently, I'm not doing good at all. I really hope the reason me and my now friends have kind of drifted apart is because of me. Maybe because I'm making this while thing up and and its all in my head or maybe because I didn't put enough effort into being their friend. I hope its my fault. I hope its not because they grew tired of me or we were just never close in the first place. I think that possibility hurts the most. I just want to believe the moments we had together were real. For me and them.