I shouldn’t be writing this. 

I should be laughing with my oldest brother Mayer. I should be eagerly showing my drawings to my older sisters. I should be on call with my best friend. I should be gaming late at night, eating snacks with my friends. Yet, here I am, my hurt and anger fueled, into writing this.

It was Christmas evening when my world fell apart. I remember running to my room, in tears, texting Mayer. Then, having my phone taken away, as soon as I reached my room, I saw the desperate texts from Mayer. He had called me; I called him back. I was crying, yet he did his best to comfort me. “I love you, hermano. You make me proud. Everything will get better.” I still remember his voice, when I was so overwhelmed and anxious. The next part, I tend to block my mind from remembering. My mom broke my trans and gay bracelet. I had held onto my tablet for as long as I could, while my mom tried to take it from me. I was sweating, and after what felt like an hour, the tablet was taken away from me.

 I was done for. I cried. I screamed. I cutted. I threw random stuff at the wall. I begged for my siblings, my friends. “Mayer, Ri rii, Mimi” I had screamed over and over again, “I need you. Please.” Out of desperation, I tried getting discord on my school computer. Didn’t work. I did manage to send a message to Mayer on another account, however. Crying, I fell asleep.

Out of all the times of my life, I never felt so alone.

The following morning, I woke up, took my cat Orangi outside, and grabbed three pieces of ham from Christmas dinner that I never had. I also took some bottles of water. Then, I brushed my teeth, used the restroom, and went back to my bed. No device to wake up to. No messaging my siblings and friends early in the morning with bursting energy. No music to listen to. I took my school computer, grabbed my headphones off my bookcase, and found the saddest songs to listen to.

“This is the life I will live,” I thought to myself. Alone, depressed. My pain was worse than any heartbreak I had. This pain was literally breaking my heart. I was dying, and I know how that feels. Yet, worse this time.

My mom forced me to go with her in the afternoon. With my biological brother, we drove to my dad’s house. I stayed in the bathroom. They had called a therapist. Now, like before, I tend to block these painful moments. I only recall barely answering them, and I was recommended to go to a mental hospital. Where I stayed for over a week.

The first day, I cried myself to sleep. The second day, I cried again. By the third day, I would replay Mayer’s voice in my head–when he was comforting me. Everyday I dreamt of my siblings and friends. Out of luck, I met this girl named Trinity. She was 11, I think. We became fast friends and soon, she was like a little sister to me. We exchanged drawings and emails. She reminded me of my bestie Gael; both have a sense of humour and are very caring. We both left the same day; she left a bit earlier. We hugged. 

Now, I was expected to go home better, no?

Well, I’m still the same depressed kid. Missing everyone. Thinking of them constantly. When I email my sister, Ri rii, my happiness is the highlight of that day. When I went online for five minutes that memorable day, I cried of joy; my besties missed me as I missed them. 

And so, for me, and for them, this letter is for the ones who care for me, who are my epitome of happiness. My besties, my best friend, my siblings–they are my angels. Forever.

I write this to express my pain. I want to talk and laugh with them. Be myself with them. They have all shown me the love I needed. Acceptance. I learned what true friends are. They taught me compassion, humor, and joy. I remember helping Gael with an activity from school. When I helped Ri rii with an essay for college. When I asked her for help with English terms and math homework. When I showed my cooking and drawing skills to everyone. Staying up late, gaming. Eating snacks. Laughing. Being called “Aussie!” or “Jakey” or my list of random, memorable nicknames. Falling asleep on call and waking up to seeing my crush stayed on call with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Telling jokes, talking about our day. Helping each other. Singing to each other. Watching my brother and besties game. This is my teenage-hood. Everything I ever wanted and more. And the ones who took them away from me, I have a message for you all. 

You can take my devices away. You get angry when I say, “I miss my besties and siblings.” But you cannot take my lasting love for my angels. You cannot take their love for me from them. You can try to take my happiness away, but I will always run to my angels. They are my true home. 

You robbed me of my joy from my birthday. You robbed me of my excitement of Valentine’s day. Everyday, you rob me of my happiness. Poems I write; they barely take into account my suffering. But I will not let this continue. I will stand firm on being with my besties. I will not rest until I can be with them. And if you deny this, I’m afraid that you will lose me forever. Each day, I am fading away from you.

And for the ones who are in a similar situation as me, you are not alone. I am here with you. This will get better, I promise. No one can hurt you as long as I stand with you. I give you my acceptance. We are in difficult situations, yes, but as long as you have my word, and those who truly care about you, we will survive. 

And to my besties, I love you more than you’ll ever know. To my best friend Kiwi, have you made any more bracelets? To my brother Mayer, are we still going tornado hunting together? To my sister Mimi, how’s college? To my sister Ri rii, how’s college too? And how’s Peaches? To my twin Jayce, how’s football practice? To my bestie Gael, what’s the latest news of Stray Kids? To my bestie Bow, do you remember that airfryer joke from Christmas? To my bestie Alma, how’s life so far in the Netherlands? And to all my besties, I really miss you all. You make me happy everyday. You all are the reason I fight everyday to live. Even when it’s difficult. Whether I am out up North, in Europe, or as a star in the sky shining down upon you, thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life. 

Te quiero, con toda mi corazón y más. 

Gracias. 

Juni.

25-26.02.2026