I never knew love wasn't a luxury. It always seemed to be a leverage of if-thens. I knew I loved hard but being loved was earned right? Love was contingent on a criteria outlined in the Relationship 101 guide that no one and everyone knew. It was difficult to grasp the concept that love wasn't a learned behavior or an earned luxury set apart for the affluent. I envied every romance novel heroine or model adored by millions. I lusted after the type of love that poems were written about. Much like my angsty teen years, I yearned for love from all the wrong places.

That 21 year old had no business sexting a 14 year old. That wasn't love. That 24 year old had no business abusing that 23 year old. That wasn't love. Being knocked down despite my willingness to love with stars and heart filled eyes... This 32 year old now has love. You don't find it often but when you do, you recoil. You fear. You use a protective barrier between yourself and that love.

Fear kept me from expressing the amount of love I gave freely and without conviction much of my life.

It took a person so unlike anyone I had met before to unlock a sense of safety in love. Love doesn't have to be earned or conditional. Love doesn't need to be coaxed from you with a fingertip sensation. Love creeps slowly.. but passionately. Love breaks through barriers untold by the greatest heralds. The poets don't grasp the uniqueness of a kiss so tender the very start has you aching for more. It comes slow if you gave it too freely to people unworthy.

Love is not a luxury. Love is not learned. Love comes from within a place of peace and safety.