Fucking. That's all it was, I got what I needed out of it, confidence. It was the whole reason for my serial cheating in relationships with a side of bipolar impulsiveness and hyper sexuality. I could and did get any guy I wanted even though I was in a relationship for nearly 10 years with the father of my children, who supported us financially, is a damn good Dad and was an amazing husband, I had no complaints there. It was my weakness though, men... It wasn't until I reached the age I'm at now that I even began to understand the phrase 'self-love'. The fuck was that anyways? I mean I loved myself I loved to do my hair and makeup get all dressed up, I had hobbies I was REALLY good at. More talent in my pinky finger than most have in their whole body. I brought the woa factor everywhere I went with my artistic, crafty, baking, super Mom and wife self, and was damn proud of it. I kept my home clean and was very involved in my kids lives. Always team Mom for sports, made their costumes for Halloween, threw them the best damn poor people version of 'my super sweet 16' style birthday parties year after year. Though we were never officially married to my kids father and I always referred to each other as husband and wife. I was a good wife as well minus that one MAJOR addiction I had to attention, that didn't stop at just that, I had to cross the line. My conquests made me feel good about myself, some more than others and it was like a high I was always chasing. More so after I had the kids, I had to feel like I 'still got it', the ability to walk into a room say dibs and get exactly what I wanted. So, did my husband know? He found out a few times, and it hurt him. That was never my intention, but I've had this recent realization that inadvertently it caused the same emotions within him. It was selfish, I always felt it was the only thing I really did that was selfish. Other than that I was devoted to my kids and my husband, spoiling and catering to them constantly. Oh yeah, AND I was an addict. Back then it was pills running through my own vitamin script, then my husband putting up up to $200/month to support my habit. I was constantly in pain, diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of only 24, and had the spine of a 70 year old who fell off a roof according to my doctor. I was a closet addict in public, no one knew I was functional, well worded and put together. My children always had the newest and best shit, teachers, parents during sports they didn't have a fuckin clue how fucked off I stayed. My friends oh yeah of course, but no outsiders. After nearly 10 years with J.R. I left him for another guy. He gave me the right attention and sucked me all the way in, but the grass wasn't greener and that 'relationship' only lasted about 3 months before he got arrested. Turned out unannounced to me he was on the run, drug charges. So I gave up my cushy little stay-at-home Mom life for a man who went to prison shortly after we started living together at my Mom's house. That's how I had met him, he was my Mom's roommate and friend. You know you would THINK that I would've learned something there but not really at least not in the moment. Hindsight is quite the bitch though. After nearly 10 years of not really working, at least not consistently. I mean I had short lived jobs here and there and side hustles ALWAYS but I still got to be with my babies for the most part and I loved that, they are the light of my life. I also loved J.R. very much, I know that sounds like a crock of shit, can't turn a hoe into a housewife type stuff but really, my compulsive cheating was never due to something HE wasn't giving me or doing right. It was just selfishness, impulsiveness, and addiction. Feeling like a slut, well I literally got off on that shit. However it managed to close that chapter in my life, then after a short period of alone time, and a year long relationship with some asshole I literally picked up off the street after friends convinced me to pick up the hot guy walking, and I did. Stupid year long mistake. I was becoming famous for those, mistakes