Nobody walks into a relationship with the intention to be a victim of abuse. However, when they realize that they are victims of abuse they have one of two options.... fight or flight, right? Wrong. Although these may be options, it's never an "either/or" option for victims. Victims of abuse go through a range of emotions when thinking about escaping abuse and sometimes they often go through the same emotion several times before acting on it. Fight of Flight may be an "either/or" option for most people in unforeseen emergency hostage circumstances, but what happens when it's an ongoing painful circumstance that happens mostly behind closed doors and away from the public eye? I'll tell you... when you are truly a victim of abuse you will learn very quickly that escaping this kind of pain can never be an "either/or"... it has to be BOTH.

I know this for a fact because I've been there. I've been there for over 25 years and although I have been separated for 5 years and legally divorced for 2 (almost 3) years now, guess what? I'm STILL fighting. I thought that once I left my abusive marriage that all the abuse would stop, I'd be able to breath again, I would have the peace I was in desperate need of, be able to rediscover who "I" am and who I was before the abuse started. I'd hate to admit this but I need to admit this so you won't fall under those same misconceptions...Man, I have never been so wrong in all my life.

Leaving doesn't bring "peace". It brings new levels of challenges that you will have to conquer before you reach that level of peace that you were hoping to have. Yes, I too found out that leaving only took me downhill from some of the abuse and immediately placed me at the bottom of a steep incline of another mountain that needs to be scaled or moved. Leaving an abusive relationship may alleviate the pains of physical abuse or living in intimidation or fear of the abuser, BUT.... it still puts you in the ring to face some past, present and future challenges. Here are a few challenges and forms of abuse that I continued to fight against after I left my storm of abuse:

• Mental Abuse
• Psychological Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Verbal Abuse
• Anxiety/Stress/Depression From Past Trauma While Trying to Start All Over (which is even a bigger challenge with kids)
• Finding Adequate Help (finding shelters to accommodate you and your kids, all will not, finding and obtaining resources that aren't depleted from the recipients before you, finding resources with less hoops to jump through before receiving help, finding family/friends willing to help without wanting something in return, etc.)
• Legal Commitments (Constant court dates, court orders, paying for attorney's for you AND your kids if you have them, etc.)
• Legal Protection Requests (Restraining orders 'that most abusers violate', safe at home addresses, constant moving, etc.)

And that's just to list a few of the many challenges that I had to face and some that I am still facing today.

Why Victims Don't Get To Pick "Fight" or "Flight"

The things listed above just give you a snippet of what a victim thinks about and has to go through to transition from victim to survivor. Although all people are different, think different, act different and handle things differently, there are quite a few things that individuals from all walks of life have in common when it comes to abuse. One of those things is instinct to survive. This is why it's never "Fight or Flight" for any victim of abuse. Their "either/or" looks a little more like this:

You either "fight" then "flight" or you "flight" then "fight"... but either way it goes, you will find yourself doing BOTH.

We don't get to pick because both options are necessary if you really want to survive and live your best life. We don't get to pick because if we opt to choose just one of these two, the other option comes back after you as well to force you to acknowledge the need to use it as well. What I mean is this, if you choose to just fight, you will be fighting for the rest of your natural born life if you stay until you give it up or it's wrongfully taken. If you choose flight, you will be running for the rest of your natural born life if you go while constantly looking back or over your shoulder in fear, anxiety and stress.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my first Note! I will be diving deeper into the journey of a victim transitioning to a survivor in future notes. I will be posting interactive material, resources, and more so please subscribe and follow me as we continue this journey chatting it out and figuring it out.. together.

Thanks,

-Auntie Kay