I look down on my hand, disapproving of it- as if I hadn't put the cuts there myself with the blade of a floss container- and scowl. The tape didn't help; the love didn't help; and what also doesn't help is the fact that nobody notices. Nobody notices how fake my smiles look other than me, how much my friends can make me hate myself even though I love them, how much I hate being yelled at. I poke at my food, my long sleeves covering up the cuts. This is today, and today is different from yesterday, but the days blend together in an ugly mix of the god's brush, whichever God that is. I look around. Sleep, Loud, Grounded, Mental and Mischief. That's who i'm sitting by. Sleep is talking to Mental, who kicks him under the table for not getting enough sleep. Loud is talking to Grounded, but she only ever talks to Grounded. She only ever yells at me, playfully, but doesn't she know it makes me flinch? Mischief is speaking but she sounds underwater; I realize I've once again accidentally tuned her out. it's a much easier thing to do when she doesn't shut up.

I look around once more. None of these people realize how...off...I'm feeling. How I haven't eaten in the past 4 days, how I hit myself on the bus before Glitter got on because I ate breakfast.

Third time's the charm. I look around again, this time, actually waiting. Patiently waiting for my eyes to focus and for it to click in my head.

Sleep is drifting off again, and Mental looks at me with that gleam in her eye. *click.* She's worried for him. and, speak of the devil, I am too.

Loud is whispering in hushed tones and not loud, which is unusual for her. *click* she's talking about the cuts on her thigh, how much they sting. I try not to let my gaze drift to my hand. I knew they would be somewhere; but her thigh was not where I envisioned. I had a lot more learning to do.

Grounded is laughing to me about her "daddy issues" and I Just smile. How am I supposed to cope with that, let alone respond to that? I look at her for a second, and then- *click.* "I'd rather have my father beat me than for him to tell me he loves me and then just start yelling at me again." I nod, knowing her cope is humor. I don't smile this time; it's too grand of a gesture.

Mental is laughing with sleep, after waking him up, but I see how she reacts when he yelps and shoots up whenever she playfully kicks him. She flinches. "Doesn't she know how it makes me flinch?" *click* I never seemed to look deep enough; but now when I see her goosebumps at a mere breeze and her flinching when I'm too loud- I never thought enough to know she was hypersensitive.

Mischief is sitting next to me, quieter than usual, eyes looking down in deep focus on her paper. *click.* she's not looking in focus, yet forced rapture. I can see the gears in her head turning, and she, I know, is silently overwhelmed by the commotion at the table.

On the bus, my drift tiptoes over to Glitter....her side-shaved head and pretty, brown eyes are something i'll never understand. She's a tomboy...*click*. I looked at her, role-playing with me as Clancy and Torchbearer, though I know nothing about them, and realize how eager she is to see me every day. Maybe I'll notice problems in the future with her, but for right now, she's like a thread pulling me together.

I look at myself, my cut hands and over-shaved legs and hairspray hair and sigh.

(written today, oct 5, 2025.) They don't notice, maybe, but- *click.* I'd really rather them not. They've got enough piranhas without a nasty shark like this. I shake my head, peering over at glitter. I smile softly, as part of our role-play. She'll forget this conversation later. But I'll remember it. I'll remember all of the conversations with all of them. They matter to me more than my life; I'd go to hell to give them my heaven. My nice parents, my nice house, my nice life. I'll be damned if I didn't. And before I know it, I'm at my desk, drawing all of them. I'm not in the picture; I don't need to be. Maybe they won't notice. Maybe they will. But I'd rather them not, because at least in a photo, they're all smiling.