“The GOoDness in Me”

by Katie Gubbe

Here is a reflection on

a little song I wrote,

based on what

I heard inside my heart,

that was hurting…

Picture this:

I was curled up—

frozen like a fetus

in the middle of my living room floor

while the world kept on going

around me.

And I felt like I was drowning

in my feelings and my failures—

& the people who I wanted to help me,

to love me

enough to lend me a little moment,

Seemed to love to turn away

and play that evil yucky shame-blame-game

that I knew the whole time

was just a really sad and twisted response

to their own devils' chains…

Little sick parasitic ticks,

tucked deep inside their lovesick brains;

the kind who’s so kind

to leech onto lovers,

stick it to ‘em and then get stuck—

sucking the life-juice from their souls.

Then they think they’re really something,

while you’re shriveled up (or, down?)

on the ground,

praying to SOMETHING

to turn things around—

But Truth is here to say

they’re no more than pathetic Intruders

weaving illusions of lies and confusion;

Got some skin in the game

but the truth is they’re losin…

Plotting and planning

to take what good gifts have been gave…

makes me wonder how stupid I look

waiting on them to change.

But as much as I hate on my heart for these things,

it’s this heart I let break

that shines bright despite all its pain.

I was “alone” while I cried,

that day and so many more,

I was so lonely,

until I understood the Truth of it, and

I gave in to the fact that I wasn’t—

and will never be, alone.

And that was when I heard the music

of all my Loved Ones,

dear, spirit-side friends

who subtly guide me here—

who hold my heart when I am not able

to keep from falling apart on the floor;

Whose songs get me out of my sorrow

and remind me of my faith

that there are better tomorrows.

My friends who remind me

of all the GOoDness in me—

and remind me that this heart,

is a really

really

good

thing.