there was a time you were my best friend.

you sat for hours reading me bedtime stories.

you played dolls with me.

i thought that was forever.

i thought that was love.

but now you’re here and not here.

alive, breathing, but gone.

and it hurts in a way i can’t explain.

not a burn. not a sting.

it’s rot.

it’s emptiness.

it’s you looking at me like i’m too much.

every fight ends the same.

me feeling worthless.

me drowning in guilt.

you yelling that i cry for no reason.

but god i wish you would just hold me.

just once.

instead of tearing me apart for feeling at all.

i watch you love them.

the little ones.

you comfort them.

you protect them.

and i’m just—

the oldest.

the forgotten.

the one who’s supposed to be strong.

so i swallow pills.

i hold glass until my hands shake.

i carve red lines into my skin

because at least the blood listens.

at least the blood proves i exist.

because you don’t see me.

you never see me.

i tell myself i don’t need you.

i whisper it like a prayer.

i scream it like a curse.

i don’t need you.

i don’t need anyone.

but the truth is—

i do.

i always did.

and you weren’t there.

you taught me silence.

you taught me to run.

you taught me to disappear.

so who am i without you?

shaking hands.

a stomach full of pills.

arms full of scars.

a daughter still alive,

but already gone.