The amount of times I have embarrassed myself

still makes my face burn.

I know everyone goes through life

making funny choices,

making absurd decisions

in moments they wish they could take back.

It doesn’t define who we are.

But it can build us.

And though I wish some things

had never happened,

I can at least say now:

I know better.

What I find interesting about embarrassment

is how differently we all experience it.

Something that feels devastating to one person

might be completely unremarkable to another.

And sometimes

the opposite happens.

someone else can feel your embarrassment for you.

They cringe.

They wince.

They understand exactly

how badly you wish you could disappear.

Maybe both experiences

are reminders that we are human.

Looking back can still be painful.

But I look back at myself

with so much more compassion

than I did even a year ago.

I can see where I was in my life.

What I was thinking about.

What I was carrying.

What had taken up so much space in my mind that I wasn’t paying attention to what was happening right in front of me.

I can see the moments

where my judgment slipped.

Where my actions didn’t quite match

the person I wanted to be.

And somehow,

understanding myself makes those memories hurt less.

Thankfully,

most of my embarrassment have been directed at myself.

I would almost rather

be the sole cause of my own awkwardness,

because then at least

I know where it came from.

The harder moments

are the ones involving other people.

The moments when someone else

saw me stumble.

Misunderstood me.

Or simply witnessed a version of myselfI wish they hadn’t.

Those are the memories

that make my face burn the most.

But maybe growing older isn't becoming someone who never embarrasses herself.

Maybe it is becoming someone

who can remember the embarrassing girl and not hate her for it.

Someone who can look back and say,

Oh.

I know why you did that.

You didn’t know better yet.

And then,

keep going.