Hi, I'm Samael

Hi, I’m Samael, but most people just call me Sam. I’m 19 - almost 20 - and I was born in Katy, Texas. I’ve spent most of my life moving around, but for the past two or three years, I’ve been living in Brazos County, Texas. I was born female but have been transitioning to male, a process that’s been as challenging as it’s been affirming.

This first post of mine is free so that anyone who is willing to listen can understand what they are getting themselves into. I hope i pique someone's interest.

I started this blog with two hopes: to help myself and maybe help someone else along the way. My goal is to be as raw and honest as possible, shedding light on the realities of living with struggles that so often remain hidden.

Why I’m Writing

I’ve always known who I was, even before I had the words to describe it. I knew I was trans before I knew what "trans" even meant. But my identity has never been easy to navigate. I’ve been overweight or practically obese most of my life, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to lose weight. That desperation eventually led me to trade binge eating for anorexia, and it’s been a battle ever since.

What inspired me to start writing, to be honest, is the lack of support in my life. I can’t go to therapy for a long time, and my friends have moved on to bigger things, leaving me feeling stuck and alone. In truth, this blog is something to hold onto, something to keep me from “getting rid of myself,” if that makes sense.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can help someone else feel less alone. Or maybe I can convince someone to avoid going down the path I’ve taken.

My Story

Let’s rip the bandaid off: I wanted to get addicted to self-harm. I know how that sounds. but it's the truth. I thought if I could hurt myself enough, Someone might finally notice me. Someone might finally care. Instead, I found myself trapped in a cycle of cutting and starving-- a cycle that never gives, only takes. This isn't a story about healing or hope tied in a neat litle bow.

This is raw. This is real. This is survival in its most brutal form.

My eating disorder has been with me as long as I can remember. Food has always been a struggle, but I grew up in a household where calories were complained about while we kept overeating anyway. It was a home full of empty promises and fake talks about “getting better” while we all got fatter.

The truth is, both self-harm and eating disorders are competitive. That’s one of the most misunderstood aspects of these struggles. We’re often told we do it for attention, but seeking attention doesn’t make our pain any less valid. Being ignored to the point of cannibalizing your own body to look better or cutting yourself open just to feel worthy of validation - that’s real. And it matters.

Tone and Content

This blog will be brutally honest. No sugarcoating. No pretending. This is raw. This is real. This is self-suicide.

Because of this, I’ll include content warnings for topics like eating disorders, self-harm, blood, self-hate, and anything else that might be triggering to readers.

Closing Thoughts

There’s nothing more than what we have now. The future is unknown, and it doesn’t always get better, no matter what people say. But if you’d like to connect, you can leave a comment or email me at Damespena@gmail.com.

This is my story, and I’m ready to share it.