The pity party started at 1:27am this time

I checked my email and got my midterm grade back for my metaphysics class

I immediately wished I hadn't checked

27.75/35

That's a C

My heart dropped to my ass

I got a C

I'm a little high and I'm on my period so this is hitting me at 3x the amount of force

I started thinking about the schools I wanted to apply to for graduate school, Princeton and MIT are on that list

Graduate students who go to Princeton and MIT don't get a C on a midterm

and then I started thinking

This is an advanced philosophy class

I get 100%'s on all the quizzes for the readings and articles

But on the writing portion i get a C

The great philosophers at the great schools like  the great Princeton and Stanford, don't get not great graded writings

maybe i'm a shit writer

Because how can I ace the quizzes, how can I understand the content but now write it

I'm faced with my sudden, and seeming obvious to my professors but me, inadequacy at 1:51 am, a little high, on my period, and deeply emotional

Everything I thought I knew, I see in a different lens. 

Suddenly the world is much sharper and more dangerous.

It's like i've been singing my whole life and suddenly realized I'm tone deaf

I'm a shit writer who gets shit C's and I won't get into graduate school

The pity party started at 1:27am, and I've been staring at my reflection ever since

What will I do

how do I tell my family about my 27.75/35 in a way that makes sense to them

my eyes burn, but not from the weed, and my head is pounding but not from my period

27.75 and I want the world to swallow me whole

27.75 and I'm miserable

27.75 and I'm a shitty writer and I just realized I'm not good at anything

I'm literally not good at anything

I'm bad with people, I'm bad at coaching, I get c's for a degree I picked out, I never played a college sport even though I played for over a decade, I can't cook, i'm not smart

its 2:04 and is this an existential crisis or just the suddenly human realization that i'm not ever going to be someone or something in any capacity because I have nothing to offer 

i'm staring at myself at this party, wondering if everyone sees it but me

im not special, most people if not all people, are not special

I have nothing to show and no one to show nothing to

It was one grade, an email sent out at 11:43pm

and 2 hours later, the foundations of which i thought I knew defined me lay in ruins 

I'm not a writer, so this must mean i'm not a philosopher

What I am

no longer high,

a lot sad,

and 27.75