The year is 2021 and the date is December 11th.

Has it been a crazy year for you too? I began the year living in Houston, TX weighed over 50 lbs than I do now, made $20,000 less than I currently make, and was overall unhappy with myself. As of 12/11/21, I reside in Mississippi with my now husband, DeMarcko, and we've recently purchased our first home together. Life has done a complete 180 for the both of us and I still feel as though I did not do enough.

That's always been an issue of mine. I live a lot of my life in the future- meaning I am always thinking ahead and never truly living in the moment because I am always seeing myself in the next stage or phase of my life where I am closer to obtaining the goals I've set for myself. I have a problem with being happy long-term. I can easily experience bouts of happiness, periods of success, and achievement but I will always be motivated to DO MORE and to BE MORE and to ACCOMPLISH MORE. I always want more. Do you have similar feelings? I know I cannot be the only person who can accomplish a goal they've set out for themselves and not give themselves any time to appreciate the work they put in and what it took to get there because I am moving on to the next goal I have to achieve. The woes of an overachiever.

I realized around June of 2020 that I had internalized much of my childhood trauma which has caused the need for me to over extend myself and ultimately become an overachiever. When the pandemic hit in March of 2020, like many people, I was forced to work from home and continued to work remotely for the next year and a half. With the ability to slow down in a way that was never really accessible before COVID- I was able to understand myself a lot more. I took the time to self-reflect, to try to heal from my previous relationships not only the intimate ones but friendships and family relations. One thing a lot of people may joke about is the idea that women typically have a lot of unresolved "daddy issues" from their childhood. I fortunately did not have those type of issues but I did and still do have "mommy issues". I did not grow up in the best situation.

As a teenager, I was treated a little differently from my older sister by my mother. I basically was taught I could not rely or depend on anyone but myself and so I was forced at a young age to work and take care of myself early on. Due to my upbringing, I struggled with letting people into my life and seeing value in them. I was so used to always taking care of myself I did not give the opportunity for anyone else to take care of me. I did not want to depend on anyone else for anything- I was taught I could only rely on myself to get things done the way I wanted things done. With that being said, I did most things alone or on my own. When someone tried to help or offer assistance to me, I did not take well to it. I struggled for many years with being a control freak. I constantly struggled with allowing people to be who they were because I expected others to be the way I wanted them to be and I struggled with no one being able to meet my expectations because if they did anything outside from what I wanted them to do, they did not last long with me. Sometimes, it's hard to accept the fact that WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE PROBLEM. And I definitely was in my own way with my current relationship.

Although I dated... A LOT. I did not date quality people all of the time. I had pretty low expectations of people for the most part and normally only wanted very specific things from them, which was mainly sex. I typically wanted someone I could call up to do things with that I enjoyed- like going on cute dates and again, mainly sex. I never really saw much coming from any of my previous relationships until I started getting these weird visions of marriage. I started seeing myself with a previous partner I had dated where I imagined us getting a house and having children together and all of this weird stuff I had never wanted before. I never imagined myself married. I always thought I would be that one person in the family with no children and no husband. I would just travel the world and have a couple of pets. SO when I did start having these weird thoughts and feelings, I attached them to the person that I was with at the time because that is the most logical explanation of why they were occurring. However, I have been blessed with the ability to see things before they happen at least when it comes to myself. I did not understand how it worked until I started to understand and evaluate myself more during the year 2020.

So fast forward to the year 2021- this is the year I really stepped back into my power and alignment with my future and goals to come. I spent a lot of time making myself healthy this year from the way I ate and drank to the way I thought about myself and others and the way I also talked to myself and to others. I've changed in many positive ways over the last three years and I am grateful to be able to say that. As the year is coming to an end- I am spending a lot of my time being appreciative of how far I've come in life and where I am headed. Thanksgiving always shows me how much I am thankful for and Christmas time always fills my heart with joy in the name of giving and caring for others but I also take the time to give and care to myself. I think that may be the most important piece of this post.

Take care of you- whatever that may mean to you. Whether it's bubble baths and glasses of wine every night or once a week or learning something new like taking a new course or letting out frustrations at the gym or meditating. Take care of you so you are able to take care of others. Do the healing. Put in the work to be the best version of yourself. If you have not done so already, before the end of this year, take the time to envision your highest self. Whatever image that comes to mind whether it's a slimmer you or a more educated you with another degree or certification or becoming a new parent or just being a better person. Whatever that image is- hold onto this and take whatever steps you can in 2022 to get closer to that picture you have of your greatest self. Whoever he or she is- it is already who you are. You just are not there yet. But you will get there soon. I've learned to be more patient with myself and with others because I now understand everything I envision is already what is so, we are just in a different timeline and will make our way where we are going. Take the steps to get closer to you. But also take the time to appreciate yourself and enjoy the moment you're in now.

Peace and love to all who have read this far. Thank you for checking out my blog and I hope to see you back soon.