From a young age we are taught that our words have power. They can affect people in deep ways. You can build a person up. You can tear a person down. Your words can harm or help a person for days or even years after speaking to them. We're told that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. You never know what others are going through, so don't say anything that could make it worse. What I never really considered was the power those same words have against yourself. Your own psyche and self esteem. I know it may seem like a silly thing to over look. But as someone who has only ever been talked down to, berated, or fed negativity on a regular basis, I never really considered how much I was hurting myself with my own words. Until recently.

I've been recently deconstructing and reconstruction my life, physically and mentally and spiritually. I've been working to rediscover myself in every way possible. The shadow work has been deep, emotional, but rewarding in ways I didn't even know was possible. After realizing that everything I've been taught and told about who I am suppose to be or what I'm suppose to believe was actually harming me and has nearly caused me to end myself on to many occasions, I knew I had to consider a different path and quick. I turned from the "faith" my family and society has constantly shoved down my throat as the only correct path. Christianity. An all powerful, merciful, all seeing male God that has the power to change everything for everyone but refuses to unless you fear and worship him and him only. And even then, eh, maybe he'll help. If he feels like it. But then all around there is pain, cancer, war, genocide. Innocence is lost and ruined. Powerful, evil men destroy and kill everyday. Horrible people gain and gain while those who deserve better, struggle and die and suffer. They cling to this faith, to those words in that book, like it is truly life giving magic. All for what? A possibility that it will all be better AFTER they do finally die.

I've questioned these claims and scriptures on and off my whole life. Only to ever be met with negative attacks against me or the usual remarks of how we must remain faithful. We can't question or we will be punished. I can't believe it took me so long to realize just how wrong it all was. Now I'm not claiming to know what's real or what's not. I know there is more to this life and this world and universe than just us. I feel a power greater than us. I have discovered that there is power in knowledge. I seek knowledge and growth and wisdom. It can hurt sometimes but it can only make us better. No religion that uses fear as a focus point, is right. Was Christianity always that way? I can't say. Could the Bible have been rewritten to fit evil men's ideals and to keep the people in line? Probably. I'm leaning on most definitely. I could write a whole book about my actual journey of deconstruction and what I've learned from pulling away from the church and its toxic beliefs. But right now I want to focus on what I've discovered since diving into my "pagan" roots and beliefs. Since I've started my shadow work and researched more into what will actually help me and has helped me and my family.

Since about a year and half ago, I've been digging into witch craft, paganism, and other similar (non closed practices) spiritual beliefs. I've felt such a strong pull to these beliefs and to nature and to the universe, ever since I was small. In this journey I have been learning about the power of the energies around us and with in us. How everything we do can have power to it. How everything we say has power to it, especially when you put intention towards it. And you can be putting intention into your words and thoughts without even realizing it. So a big step I've been taking in my journey of self growth is changing how I speak to myself and about myself. It has been hard. The negative voices are still there. But I have sensed a difference in my attitude towards things and how certain circumstances in my life have changed, since I've started building my own confidence up.

This sounds like such a cringey, "motivational speaker" way of thinking, I'm sure but I wake up and try to start my morning by listing off all the positive attributes I feel I have or thoughts I am feeling about myself. Even if it's just one. As I start my morning I recite or write down at least one thing I know I can achieve that day as well as one I want to achieve that day. I speak or write with intention. It will happen. It will be mine. Why? Because I am capable. I am worthy. I am smart. ect. ect. Until I feel I have been heard or I feel at peace about it. I may ask or write down more. But at the end of the day as I go over what has been done, I have found that more and more of what I've wanted has been achieved, even the things I didn't write down or recite. And I feel better about myself. And I've come to realize that even when I don't reach that one goal, I have marked off so many others that I didn't even consider.

When I feel myself slipping back into negative thoughts or self hating for small, stupid things, I remind myself of what I have achieved and try to reroute myself and my thoughts back on a positive track. I meditate on whatever it is that has me feeling the way it does, I reflect on whatever message may be being sent or on whatever deity may be reaching out to me and then I try to reroute my thoughts and energy back onto a more reasonable and positive path.

The reason I'm even writing about any of this is because today I may have had one of these mental slips. For weeks I've been getting signs and messages that I needed to let go of something that I've been clinging to because I thought it was the only way to fix a certain problem I've been having. But I've ignored all of those signs, even though I've known exactly why I was being told to let it go. It hasn't been helping me, not the way it used to. It's actually been making everything worse. Today that thing once again failed me. It didn't help me the way I needed it to, the way it used to. It yet again made things worse. And I crashed all the way out. I sat in my car and screamed and cried and lost my absolute shit on myself in a way I haven't in a long while. I sat there and shamed and blamed myself for being a failure, for being stupid, for not ever knowing what to do, for not being able to be as good as everyone else. I cursed everyone and everything and myself, all because I kept pushing for and relying on this thing that was not meant to even still be an option anymore. And I had the nerve to be mad about it after already knowing it was a dead end. After about 20 minutes of losing my mind, I sat there in the silence. That voice in my mind, the one that isn't mine but is always there, the one I've only started listening to since my journey in shadow work and witchcraft started getting serious, spoke up.

"I told you so. Delete the app. Remove this dead end and I promise a new door will open."

And I sat there, angry. But I did it. I deleted every aspect of this ever growing, self caused problem. It hurt. It sucked. It had helped me so much in the past. I didn't see any other doors, any other options. I still don't at the moment. But after I finally forced myself to let that issue go and once again redirected my attention to what was trying to help me, I felt a bit better. I pulled over and meditated, I reminded myself of what I'm capable of and what I want in life. As I sat there and reflected a bit, still confused on what I need to do next. Still needing answers, one name kept popping into my mind. Kali. She is a more recent deity I've felt drawn to. I haven't really given her much thought recently but as I was thinking on things and dwindling on how disappointing things were. I felt as if she was the one telling me to LET IT GO. It was done. It's time to move on. So I went home and still not knowing what to do next, I sat down at my computer and decided to write. When all else fails, when all of the words start to jumble in my head, when I don't know what to do because the answers haven't been made clear. I guess I should write it all down. That's why I decided to join this site in the first place.

I do feel better. I'm still lost on what my next move will be but now that I've cleared this mess out of my mind, I'm going to ground myself a bit, remind myself of who am, and try to work it all out. If any of this made any sense to any of you, I hope you enjoyed my little crash out journey. And Happy Easter! Happy Ostara! And a hopefully transformative new spring for you all.