Addiction is a linguistic trap as much as a chemical one. This entry explores the "oxymoron" of the addict's logic—where destruction feels like safety, and sobriety feels like anthema (curse). It documents the cycle of "apostasy" (falling off the wagon) and the terrifying realization that sobriety requires the one thing the assassin fears most: self-actualization.

The Sesquipedalian's Oxymoronic Cycle

If sobriety were a final destination,

A brutal journey's stark malediction,

Is drowned in willful obfuscation

Despite repeated dereliction.

That caustic, self-vilification

Is merely masked by false elation;

Unmatched, blurry acceleration,

The rush toward total obliteration.

Abject apostate, I've lost my way;

Unstable in my prime,

Wasted in torpor... Satan, not today.

I'll hitch that ride another time...

Or sober found me, ferociously invoked,

As perilous thoughts suddenly incur:

A sip, a hit, a fire fiercely stoked—

An incomprehensibly sudden slur.

Anxiously avoiding all temptation,

As if satiety is the anticipation,

As if the grave holds no reservation,

Still looking back, with raw exacerbation.

Evoking the rapture,

A weary soul to capture;

I pray to the Shepherd in the pasture,

And pay the heavy toll thereafter.

Abandoned low, I clawed out gnosis.

This devastating act of prostration,

Denial ceded to castigation.

If only sobriety

Wasn't self-actualization.

Lexicon

Sesquipedalian: Characterized by long words; long-winded.

Malediction: A magical word or phrase uttered with the intention of bringing about evil; a curse.

Obfuscation: The action of making something obscure, unclear, or unintelligible.

Dereliction: The state of having been abandoned and become dilapidated.

Abject: (Of a situation or condition) extremely bad, unpleasant, and degrading.

Apostate: A person who renounces a religious or political belief or principle.

Torpor: A state of physical or mental inactivity; lethargy.

Incur: To become subject to (something unpleasant) as a result of one's own behavior or actions.

Satiety: The feeling or state of being sated (full).

Gnosis: Knowledge of spiritual mysteries.

Prostration: The action of lying stretched out on the ground; complete physical or mental exhaustion.

Castigation: Severe criticism or punishment.