Have you ever struggled to make sense of something while trying to learn? While taking Algebra I in high school, I thought that the key to learning and remembering how to solve any given equation correctly was to understand and make sense of “why”. I would continually go to my teacher and ask her to help me understand why each step in the problem-solving process was necessary. Her response to me was, “Don’t worry about the why, just accept that it is”. Once she told me that, I never had another struggle. I aced every exam and became board while she was busy teaching the rest of the class.
My need to understand why and associate each step with some understanding and meaning was hindering my ability to learn how to solve algebraic equations. I learned to enjoy math and appreciate finite numbers. Once I discovered the laws of math, I could solve any equation without pounding information into my head before a test. Numbers are absolute and they never change; there is something comforting about that.
Many aspects of life share similarities in this way. We struggle to understand something that will never be understandable. Navigating life and relationships is not as easy as solving an algebraic equation. There is nothing finite about people. Each of us is unique in how we were raised, our life experiences, and how all our learning over time has molded and shaped our understanding of the world, who we are, and our place in it. Our knowledge of the world, what is right and wrong, and what we believe our roles and responsibilities are all come together to make each of us unique individuals. So unique that despite sharing a common language and place of origin, each of us will still perceive, interpret, and respond to our external environment differently. Considering the various aspects that make us who we are, it is easy to understand why our world and lives are filled with so much conflict and misunderstanding. Even though we may share the same spoken language, we do not share the same interpretation of that language when you factor in the many variables we use to determine meaning, such as body language, tone of voice, and inferences made from previous knowledge.
My husband and I began talking to one another in 2007. Both of us had children from previous marriages or relationships. In 2008, we married and blended our families. In 2019, we separated; I purchased a small house in town for my daughter and me. Until then, I honestly did not understand how broken I was. Anxiety, depression, fear, and isolation came on me like never before. Unable to handle my despair, I turned to God. I asked God for help, and he answered. I spend hours daily nurturing my relationship with Christ. Every day, I ask Christ to help me through my current struggles. I have found much peace, but the pain, distrust, anxiety, and lack of trust persist. My husband and I are trying to reconcile, and I am struggling. I harbor so much pain, anger, and bitterness that cause me to suffer and feel lonely in the most profound sense of the word. I thought maybe my struggle was with forgiveness. Many times, I have asked God to help me forgive. Additionally, the ruminating thoughts and self-talk always highlighted me as a selfish person; I couldn’t see or feel anything other than the pain I was holding on to.
On January 1st, I began reading a devotional titled “How to Protect Your Husband.” The teachings of the devotional immediately took me aback. The devotional explained that a wife needs to honor her husband even if the honor was a struggle and not currently felt. The teacher stated that if there was a struggle with this, it is important to treat him with the honor he deserves because no one has to earn honor. Honoring and loving a person is a choice and should be freely given to others, just as Christ freely gives to his children. Almost immediately, the ruminating thoughts began. All of a sudden, the phrase “love covers a multitude of sins” began to bombard my thinking. Slowly, through my journaling, God began to guide my thoughts and reveal truths to me.
God pointed out what I was asking my husband to do. I was asking him to have empathy and compassion by acknowledging and showing remorse for the pain I suffered. Then I began to realize how long I had been suffering and the severity of the damage caused within me. Why would I expect or ask someone I love to endure that kind of life-altering pain? No one can navigate 10 years of that pain, coupled with the realization that the pain resulted from their decisions.
Additionally, it would also require acknowledging the example set for our children. Reliving that pain was too much and too severe for anyone. If I truly love my husband, why would I ask him or expect him to suffer as I did? The answer—I love my husband, and I have never wanted to cause him pain.
And then the AHA moment… I realized that I was holding on to that pain and trauma with a death grip, like it was a rite of passage. I realized I was the one getting in God’s way and preventing myself from receiving His supernatural peace, joy, and healing. I was preventing myself from receiving God’s extraordinary grace and love. Then, all at once, I began to feel that burden being lifted away from me, and the discord that had been troubling me diminished. Even though I was trying with everything in me to forgive and allow God to take it from me, it could not happen as long as I held on to the pain. I had to release my grip completely; I had to completely release the control over my suffering so God could take it; only then could he begin doing a new thing in my life.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ( Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV)