I know im the bad guy. Trust me the voices in my head have played those words on a never ending loop. Its basically elevator music at this point. My heart wants to break as the guilt and self hate settles itself in my joints. My bones threatening to snap themselves just to feel something. The rolled up herb in my hand burns as it stings my throat and the smoke coats my tongue. Everything starts to float away in every exhale i take. I know Im the bad guy. The tears of others are building up in my memories teasing my own to start running. The words that fell out of my mouth and onto your plate were so sharp that it shatters. I know im the bad guy. And as youre struggling to pick up the pieces i look at you. No emotions are allowed to peek through my mask. The same mask that i had designed when i was a little girl.

my mom and I went to California to visit some family and have some adventures I guess. I think 40 percent of the time me and my mother argued. Which isn’t unusual for us. We tend to butt heads a lot. On my last full day in California, we went to this boardwalk. It was cool, it kinda reminded me of a movie about friendship and memories from the 2000s. I don’t know, I guess it kind of just gave me that vibe. We stayed there all day. It was me, my mom, my tia Selena and my 2 cousins. We went to the beach part, and it was so unreal. The ocean was almost hypnotic. You can see the waves crashing down on themselves, the birds soaring above, and the smell of funnel cake coming from the boardwalk. When we reached the water my cousin dared me to go for a swim, even though it was freezing cold. So, me being me, I took off my shoes and started walking. If you had asked me at the moment if it was too cold, I would've been too busy chattering my teeth to answer.