One day I'll be forced to confront my feelings.

On December 29, 2024, I am confronting myself. I know my true feelings, and although speaking my truth will hurt me temporarily, pain is still pain. And I really don't like feeling pain. I guess I've grown used to it, not the physical pain. It's the emotional kind—the kind that feels divine. Maybe absolute is more appropriate than divine.

Confronting myself means coming to terms with all that has happened, including the memories I hoped to lock away.

I'll share some of my truths.

I don't think I'm a good person, I know I do good things and I don't like seeing others in pain but at the end of the day, being kind when I shouldn't be is manipulation. Pulling a punch means very little to me because I intended to harm in the first place or I wouldn't be swinging.

I hide my feelings to avoid conflict but avoiding conflict has left me sinking into a place I've never been before, looking at a person I cannot recognize. A person I have realized I don't actually know.

Confronting myself is scary because I'm facing a stranger.

I have been alive for almost 26 years.

I have about 5 memories from my childhood that I can recount.

I know what having such large gaps in my early memories means.

It means I have childhood trauma, and I know what the source of that trauma is.

I remember some things, some feelings that I have never really acknowledged. I do not and cannot resent my loved ones, because how could they know my trauma if I can't even face it myself?

Dread, I know what it means to dread.

I feel dread when I think about my childhood. I feel dread when I'm left with enough time to think about what living has been like for me. I feel dread when I try to make up explanations for why I don't like being touched at random. I feel dread always. I felt dread while googling "Why can't I remember my childhood?".

I feel dread at the very moment I am creating this note.

Even so, I am meant to be good, to do good, to light, to ignite. It is what resonates with my soul. I feel most recognizable to myself when I'm laughing and provoking laughs. So again I acknowledge that dread.

I locked away my sweetness, my softness, myself, my truth. To survive, I hid in my mind.

Truthfully I don't hate contact, I enjoy contact when I'm comfortable. But trauma has left me feeling discomfort in comforting moments.

I feel a lot. Sympathy and empathy are part of me. Witnessing sadness and hurt makes me feel low while experiencing victories vicariously through others makes me smile. These feelings encourage me, while my feelings discourage me.

Another truth, I want to be giggly and sweet at all times. I understand myself when my smile is contagious. In my mind smiling is natural and my default. My natural smile and giddiness haven't been allowed out in a while.

Truthfully, I've been living in survival mode for about 20 years. Smiling too much might invite unwarranted looks and comments. Giggling and laughing all of the time may result in encountering people who want to hold your smile captive. Notice how I've been phrasing my words in a way that takes power away from myself. I am aware, maybe that's how I ask for help. Maybe I've been asking for help for 15 years. From reading this note I hope you can deduce what my trauma is because I feel weak discussing it. From reading this note I hope you can deduce my trauma has left me feeling without choice. From reading this note I hope you can deduce that my trauma has left me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

A truth is my childhood trauma makes me incomplete. I'm incomplete and scared to smile like I used to. My trauma has made me scared to share myself with others because the last time I smiled my brightest was the last time my smile had brightness. I loved my smile, I loved to smile, and I smiled to love. My smile was my love and I smiled at everyone because I felt everyone deserved love. I didn't know that sharing my love was dangerous. Even further, I didn't know smiling wasn't always an expression of love. While my smile signified a declaration of friendship and good wishes the smile I got in return was counterfeit. The smile I received didn't wish me well and definitely wasn't a declaration of friendship. No, the smile I got in return wanted to take from me. The smile that was forced onto me was selfish. A selfish smile because it wasn't real, a selfish smile because it took mine.

Stolen... my smile was stolen.

Truth is, my smile was taken. I did not give my smile away, it was stolen. Can you deduce what trauma I experienced now?

Another truth to add is there are times when I have a smile that is almost like my old one. ALMOST. Almost is an interesting word. It's close but always failing to meet the mark.

Truth be told I have been aware of my trauma. You see, a result of my trauma is distrust. Not only do I have trouble trusting others, but I'm also paranoid. My trauma has made me fear others. My trauma makes me fear how others might think. The trauma I have makes me think of the bad scenarios first.

A trauma that causes major gaps in childhood memories, a trauma that makes normal ways of comforting uncomfortable for me. Can you infer? What type of trauma results in me identifying with the emotions of others more than my own? What type of trauma makes me put the feelings of others before my own? Can you infer now? Trauma that strips away your smile... It takes the little things that make you who you are and locks them away. What trauma makes you feel like your own will doesn't matter? Like you don't have a choice. Have you figured out my trauma? There are many possibilities for what has traumatized me but there's one answer that snowballed into many symptoms of trauma. A fear of others (men in particular), a disgust of others, paranoia, feeling trapped, half or fake smiles, overthinking, I'm always jumpy, terrified, helpless, and powerless.

I have been traumatized and admitting it sickens me. Using the word admit, as if I am wrong is a result of this trauma...

I was not wrong. I did nothing wrong. I am not at fault. My actions were not the cause of anything. I was traumatized, I did not traumatize others. My trauma is hard to forget and it often parades itself around in my day-to-day life. My trauma also makes it hard for me to remember what should be dear to me.

When my family is reminiscing about how we were as children there are things I remember and things I don't. However, I have always been aware of my trauma... Even as a kid, I remember reading a yellow hardcover book that had a trauma similar to mine...that was the first time a book made me cry. Another time I watched a movie called Hounddog. It was a brutal reminder of my trauma that left me feeling unwell but watched it. Later another movie based on a book called The Lovely Bones served as a reminder as to why I can't remember nor forget (Did you know the author of that book got someone wrongly convicted of a crime they did not commit?) Later there was a movie called Black Butterfly and that one made me want to vomit. Another movie called I Saw the Devil reopened those wounds and I could tell in my actions.

My trauma also resulted in my emotions developing immaturely. Something I'm dealing with even now, a quick temper, easily feeling abandoned, often confused, scatterbrained, and unable to make change.

My trauma has made me crave control since I had no control over what happened. Those were just a few truths of my trauma.

Now it's time I confront myself in another way. Although my trauma has triggered lots of my actions, these actions are still my own.

To me, my trust is the most precious thing I can give out now... until my smile returns. If I give someone my trust and they slip up or cannot protect me, no matter how light or insignificant the scenario is, l lash out. I am aware of my own actions and as much as I want to be nice and regrow who I once was, my trauma haunts me. So if I give someone my trust and they disregard it, I feel violated. That's probably the clearest clue as to what my trauma is. Still, I live and exist. Even traumatized I've always felt compelled to continue on.

So I will continue, acknowledging my truth and trauma. But first things first, I need therapy. I cannot be happy with any relationship or bond I've formed until I know I've made progress while dealing with my trauma. Or else it will show later in the relationship when I am triggered by something so little. Or else my trauma will consume all the bonds I've made lately. I'm tired of not being my happiest and holding on to so many emotions, however, I am aware that my trauma is my own to deal with. I'll need help, from a therapist and no one else. Just thinking about dumping my trauma on others makes my stomach turn, which is why no one can help me through this aside from a therapist who's getting paid to do so. My trauma haunts me and I'd rather not have others being haunted by it. However, if I take too long the haunting will turn into hunting. December 29, 2024, is the day I've chosen to start my healing. Avoiding my trauma has never helped me.

I am on my way to getting back to myself. The happy little girl who smiled and laughed when she was happy and cried when she was upset. I've been dampening my emotions for about 20 years and I'm exhausted. To be happy I will overcome my trauma and hopefully, I can do it with the support of the amazing and kind people who have allowed me to be my true self around them.

I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm excited, and most importantly I'm READY.