It's that time again. The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, family togetherness, and endless Hallmark movie moments. But for those of us with toxic or abusive family members, the holidays can feel more like a battlefield. Between the pressure to show up with a smile, the guilt trips over stupid things, and the emotional landmines, it’s easy to feel trapped and/or overwhelmed. That’s where N.O.P.E. comes in—a simple reminder to put yourself first and create boundaries that prioritize your well-being.

Here’s what it stands for:

N: Never Give Up on Yourself

When dealing with abusive or toxic family members, it’s way too easy to internalize their negativity and believe you’re the problem. Let me stop you right there—you’re not. It ain't you, babe. Their messed-up behavior says more about them than it ever will about you.

Never give up on yourself. Your worth isn’t tied to their approval or their ability to treat you like a being of value. If showing up for holiday gatherings comes at the cost of your emotional well-being, it’s 100% okay to say no. You don’t owe anyone access to you (heart, mind, or spirit), especially if they refuse to respect your boundaries or acknowledge your feelings.

O: Open Yourself to Love Outside of Blood Ties

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Blood is thicker than water,” but here’s the full version: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” In other words, the bonds we choose can be stronger than the ones we’re born into.

If your family makes you feel small, unloved, or unworthy, it’s okay to seek love and connection elsewhere. Surround yourself with friends, partners, or a chosen family who uplift and support you. The holidays aren’t reserved for blood relatives—they’re for anyone who makes you feel safe and valued and loved.

P: Prepare to Stand Your Ground

Toxic family members often push boundaries, especially during the holidays. Whether it’s passive-aggressive comments, outright insults, or manipulative behavior, they’re experts at finding ways to undermine you.

That’s why preparation is key. Before any family gathering, decide where your boundaries are and how you’ll enforce them. Maybe you’re limiting your visit to a few hours or stepping away if a conversation becomes heated. Practice phrases like:

• “I’m not comfortable talking about that.”
• “Let’s focus on enjoying the holiday instead of criticizing each other.”
• “I need a moment to myself.”
• "NO." (It's a complete sentence.)

Remember, you don’t have to explain or justify your boundaries to anyone. If they can't respect that, the person doesn't get the privilege of being a part of your life.

E: Extend Grace to Yourself

Finally, give yourself the grace you deserve. Navigating toxic family dynamics is exhausting, and you’re not going to handle every situation perfectly—and that’s okay.

Maybe you lose your temper, or you feel guilty for skipping a family event. Maybe you struggle to stick to your boundaries, or you question whether you’re being “too sensitive.” Whatever happens, be kind to yourself. Healing from toxic relationships takes time, and protecting your peace is never selfish.

You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough. It's bad enough they try to crush your spirit. You don't need to crush it, too.

Final Thoughts

The holidays can be tough when family gatherings feel more like obligations than celebrations. But remember, you have the right to prioritize your own peace and happiness. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-care.

Lean into the relationships that bring you joy, whether they’re with family, friends, or your chosen tribe. And if this holiday season feels heavy, know that it’s okay to step back, breathe, and take care of yourself. You’re allowed to choose joy—on your terms.