Happy New Year everyone!

So, the last few years was a study in mental health endurance and since I’m still here and I have yet to climb any water towers, despite how I’m feeling about my general existence, I’d say I’m coming out ahead in that I haven’t let my ever present depression and self-loathing defeat me.

One of the things I did earlier this year was therapy. I did it until my money ran out and I plan on going back when I’m back in the black again. *crossed fingers*. Now, I’ve been in therapy a few times in my life, but this go around I got a lot out of. One of the things I learned how to do was to visualize all the negative thoughts I have. For me, my negative thoughts take the form of a dough like creature I call Doughball. Doughball, or DB, says the worst things about me, but has a really silly voice. Weirdly enough, hearing things like “You’ll never make it as a writer” doesn’t sound so dire when it’s in the distorted They’re all gonna laugh at you voice of Carrie’s mother. You see, there’s power in laughing at your demons.

And so, here we are in the first week of the whole year and I’m finding I have to hear those demons in a silly voice if I’m going to get through this. You see, I’m working right now as a ghostwriter. Now, because of the endless NDAs that I’ve signed, I can’t divulge anything about what I’m writing or who I’m writing for, but I can tell you that right now I’m in a lull.

That is to say, I have clients, but for various reasons, I’m not writing for any of them at the moment. Which stresses me out because of money, but, also, makes me question my value as a writer. I know I’m a good writer. In fact, I know I’m a great writer. But when someone doesn’t get what you’re putting down, it can put a dent in even the strongest layers of self esteem.

And Mars is a strange place for things like that. Where I am is isolated. This is a place that doesn’t have a lot of community resources or anything like that. Mars is driven by money primarily. And places like this tend to hide resources on high shelves. They’re here, but you have to get a really tall ladder from a store in the middle of nowhere.

But there’s magic here. I can’t explain it, but when I do reach out into the world with my craft, things happen. They may take a minute, but they always happen. It gives me hope when DB starts in on how useless it thinks I am.

I hope that this year I will find a way to make enough writing so that I can support myself and my family. I hope that this is the year that I can find happiness in life and maybe even in love. Really, I just hope I can be happy more than I am sad.