I'm now almost determined to make this the least interesting thing you have ever read. Here I sit, in a swivel rolling office chair, but with nowhere to roll. My office is small. In fact, it isn't even it's own room. I live in a studio apartment. As such, my office is simply an alcove that exists in the main room of the apartment. Just a little space to store my screens, two computers, and myself when I decide to get work done (which feels harder and harder by the day with my depression).

I know a lot of you are probably sitting there and thinking something along the lines of "Wow, this mofo has 2 computers AND several monitors. Boo hoo, woe is her. I'm sure she has an iphone 13, too, the rich beach. While you would be correct about the iphone, I am far from wealthy. In fact, let's check how much I do have. Open Chase bank app, Face ID unlock (as my memory is total dog shit like that), aaaannndddd... 12 dollars and fifty one cents. That... wouldn't be a lot for any time in the last 150 years, but is especially not a lot in 2024.

I'm struggling, hardcore. And that's kinda the reason I'm here. I don't wanna blow smoke up y'all's asses: needing money is the main thing that brought me here. While I do love to expressive my self through many mediums; film, music, stupid comics, writing; that love I have for self expression is the entire reason I want to make money off of it. I quit a day job after one day of training and want to do something that matters and that I enjoy doing. But, then again, so does everyone. As the theme song from a fairly popular cartoon said, "I wanna be famous". (we'll get into why I quit that job another day)

I'm also struggling because I doubt myself constantly. Is it just the depression making me thing that I am worthless and untalented? Or am I actually untalented? And let me tell you, the later scares me a lot more than the former (to be far, the former is still a pretty sucky existence). Because while depression is debilitating, I'm starting to feel, more and more the older I grow, that talentlessness is the even more debilitating thing to be straddled with.

Ok, I think I've written enough for one session. Let's pull up my music library on my computer really quick and do a random shuffle. Let's just do a fun little exercise before we part. Ok, opening it up, hitting shuffle, and.... "Wall of Fire" by The Kinks off of their final album "Phobia", released in 1993 (one year before I was born). A song that mainly seems to be about ecological and planetary destruction, a few lines stood out to me that I could see as relating to what we're talking about today:

"We drove on many rocky roads together

Through the storms and hurricanes we rode

Unified so no one could destroy us

We stretched the bounds

But always kept the code"

I could see this as also relating to friends. My friends are very important to me. I've been through a lot in my life. And I definitely think I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have without them.