Hey there!

Today has been a good day! I've worked on some self-improvement stuff for most of the day and honestly? It hasn't been all terrible. Let's walk through what my day looked like thus far :D

So I woke up at a decent time for once... I'm going to say maybe 8:00 am at the latest. I peeled my Seroquel sleep-crusted eyes open, rolled to my side of the bed to smoke a bowl, and blew it out my window like I have been lately (only because the temperature has been in the negatives in the mornings and I don't fancy going out there in my housecoat). I'm one of those people who cannot even get clothes on before I smoke, mostly because I take medication to sleep which causes me to wake up on the wrong side of the bed most days, if I'm being honest.... Anyway, I smoked my bowl and enjoyed my little head rush for a few moments before getting physically out of bed and ready for the day. I changed my son, SJ's, diaper, got him some breakfast (yogurt drink and dry cereal because he's just like his mama), and then proceeded to get myself dressed and have an iced coffee. I went out for a nice morning cigarette and listened to the birds singing in the distance while the cold air and the nicotine smoke worked their magic. It was so peaceful. Once SJ and I were fed and fully awake, we got him dressed in warm clothes for a walk.

We finally got out the door and he was starting to get tired so I assumed that he would have fallen asleep but he didn't at all. I walked to "Oliver's Coffee" by the Summit Center first and got myself a blue slushie, and then I went down to the adult learning center and re-registered so that I could finish high school. I only have two or three credits left (Mrs.Fairhall left me unclear on the actual amount) so that's pretty good. I've asked for something I would excel at like art, English, or history. So, that should be good. The plan/goal is to graduate high school in the next 4 months. That's 2 months per credit, which I believe is achievable even for me.

While I was at the adult learning center, which, where I'm from is attached to the local high school, there were so many teenagers (obviously) and I don't know if this is a sign that I'M aging or that THEY'RE getting significantly more messed up on a near-daily basis. But what I do know I that I was so uncomfortable walking around with my baby in high school. It just felt wrong. Like if Juno kept the baby, except she had the baby with a man nearly 30 years older than her who was abusive and mentally ill, and then when they broke up she went back to high school because he never let her go when they were together. Yeah. It's whack. I am honestly so embarrassed of how I turned out. I feel bad for my parents because they had sich high hopes and expectations and somehow I managed to fail every single one of them. So that's awesome.

I am constantly reminded by 3/4 parents of how badly I messed my own life up, as if I don't already know how bad it is/I am.

Little does anyone know that I'm actually super not okay lately.. if I'm not thinking about drugs directly.... I'm thinking about self-damaging or reckless behaviors. I try to force these feelings and thoughts out of my mind before they metastasize and take over the rest of my day, but, lately it's been more difficult. With that being said, I'm not just going to give up either, I'm going to keep pushing myself. I have meetings and groups all week and I just keep doing the right things.

Last night, or the night before (I can't remember which), I was so tempted to go pick it up. My whole body was responding to these thoughts, urges, and cravings but I just fought through it to the best of my ability.

Onto better things from the past couple of days/this week..... as well as going to the school to register, I also got onto Ontario Works (financial assistance) which is amazing on its own.. but then I told my worker while on the phone with her that I could not see well so she set up an eye exam for me and I should be getting glasses anytime in the next 2-3 weeks I'll say. I haven't been able to see well at all in about 5 years or so, I am so excited for this new journey that I'm on, and it is going well, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard, or that I'm getting by just fine.

Until next time...

Bunny <3